I was astounded the other day to learn how the Government has set net zero emission targets for our defence forces. Our defence services are currently undermanned.(probably a politically incorrect word) and under provisioned. The government seems determined to hobble our defence capability. In an extraordinary display of wokeness it seems to believe it will win more votes by extreme displays of “wokedom” than ensuring the Nation’s security. Below is a little satirical piece I have written to try to explain how this unfortunate stance might play out.

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Imagine we are a year or two into the future and a Labor government still runs Australia. An imaginery Asian country, (let’s for anonymity sake call it Xi-Land), has grown bellicose towards Australia. Let’s see how that might play out.

One day the Defence Minister (DM) bursts into the PM’s office where he is in discussions with the Environment Minister (EM). The Prime Minister seems somewhat annoyed by this unannounced intrusion, and stands up to admonish the DM on his rude intrusion. But before he can say a word the DM blurts out, “PM I have bad news. The Americans have informed us that Xi-Land has gathered a flotilla of naval warships and they have headed off seemingly towards Australia. American intelligence believes they might make landfall in Central Queensland.

The PM at once thrusts his chest out and says in his gruffest voice (all the time wishing he had a cigar) “We shall fight them on the seas and oceans, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, We shall never surrender!”.

But the EM with a steely glint in her eye protests. “No you won’t!”

“Why ever not,” queries the PM.

“Well for a start you can’t fight on the beaches because it is turtle hatching time. Can’t you imagine what a debacle there would be if the Greens and the UN knew you were going to endanger these precious turtles to try and repel some Asian invaders. It doesn’t seem to have bothered you before too much when we have had Asian refugees sneaking in with the aid of people smugglers.”

The DM protests, “These aren’t just refugees they are most likely coming to establish a beach head to amount a full scale invasion.”

“Well that’s alright so long as they don’t step on any turtle hatchlings.”

The PM turns to the DM and says, “Why don’t you get a few of those electric powered Bushmasters up there? That might deter them.”

“Well that’s not a bad idea, PM. But I don’t know if you’ve noticed but it has been quite overcast lately and with little wind. Consequently we haven’t been able to charge their batteries.”

“Oh bother,” grumbled the PM. “Sometimes I wish we could go back to the old days and have a regiment or two of mounted cavalry that we could despatch to trouble spots without having to worry about all this nonsense.”

“That would be no solution, “protested the EM.

“Why not?” asked the PM.

“You just don’t get it PM do you?”

“Get what,” he responded defensively.

“Methane,” exclaimed the EM with a gotcha smirk on her face. “Horses emit methane. Much worse than CO^2!.”

“Well what are we going to do?” implored the DM.

“Let’s wait until the morning and we’ll discuss it again.”

“Shouldn’t we do something now?” he asked exasperatedly.

“No,” the PM replied. “I’ve got other more important things to do. I’ve got a meeting with the ACTU. And after that I’m going to the tennis. But let’s meet again tomorrow and in the meantime you might like to get some advice from the elders.”

“Oh yeah! Wouldn’t that be useful! The last time we did that we called the voice referendum and got trounced!”

“No, stupid! I didn’t mean the indigenous elders, I meant the party elders. Have a talk to Paul and Kevin. They both know a lot about Xi-Land and its politics.”

So the next day duly chastened the DM goes again to the PM’s office only to find the EM already there.

“What are you doing here again?” he bluntly asks.

“Well,” she replies, “I happen to think that what goes on in your portfolio has major impacts in my portfolio”.

“Never mind that,” the PM interjects. “What have you found out?”

“Firstly the American intelligence is now telling us that the Xi-Land flotilla poses no threat to Central Queensland. The Americans believe this was merely a feint to distract us from their main objective.”

“Well thank God for that,” responded the EM. “At least now our turtles will be safe.”

“That’s nice, “said the PM, “But what advice did you get from Paul and Kevin?”

“Well Paul said that the Xi-Landers were mainly benevolent folk who meant us no harm and were probably on an expedition to do some fishing and shell collecting.”

“What about Kevin?”

“He wasn’t at all helpful merely saying that he had insufficient knowledge of the Xi-Landers programmatic specificity to make a call!”

“But look PM, shouldn’t we grasp the nettle? The flotilla is now cruising southwards down the coast of NSW, shouldn’t we send our one little operational submarine out to try and sink a few of these blighters?”

The EM gave an audible gasp. “You can’t do that,” she said.

“Why on earth not?”

“You insensitive cretin! Don’t you realise we are now ate the peak of the whale migration on Australia’s east coast. Your despicable little submarine would frighten and disorient the whales.”

She turned to the PM. “Can you imagine the criticism we would receive from the Greens and the UN if we did that?”

The PM nodded his head, “It would be political suicide.”

“Well what are we going to do?” enquired the DM.

“Could we send out our frigates?”

“Our frigates are all in dock being refitted. They are all pretty old and not as capable as the Xi-Land ships. What’s more they are not suited to our crews and their appropriate diversity.”

“In what way?”

“For example,” replied the DM,”they don’t have tampon dispensers in the male toilets.”

“Oh how discriminatory,“ exclaimed the EM.

“Yes, I know –but we are working on it.”

“All right.” The PM said. “Go and consult your boffins and come back to me with a plan.”

Sometime later the DM returned to the PM’s office. To his surprise the EM was there again.

“What is it with these two?” he thought to himself.

“Well what have you discovered?” the PM enquired expectantly.

“Our latest intelligence suggests the flotilla is heading for Bass Strait. The RAAF Command are confident we can send out our fighters and sink a few of them with missiles.”

In anticipation he turned to the EM and said, “Don’t worry all our planes have been converted to bio-fuel.”

The EM snorted. ”That’s not what concerns me! What about the Orange-bellied parrots?”

“Orange-bellied parrots? What are they?”

“Oh God – you are so ignorant. Orange-bellied parrots happen to be one of Australia’s most endangered species of bird, and you don’t know about them?”

“Nope – never heard of them.”

“Well, dunderhead,, we are going to great lengths to maintain and hopefully increase their population.”

“What has this to do with sending our jets to make a strike on the Xi-Land fleet?”

“This parrot is a migratory bird. This time every year it migrates from Tasmania to the mainland. We can’t have your jets flying into the flock and chopping them up or disorienting them.”

She turned to look at the PM. “Oh, Prime Minister this will never do. We need to protect these endangered birds.”

The PM sighed. “Yes I know – the Greens, the UN and so on.”

“Precisely!”

“All right then,” the DM continued “the American intelligence suggests that the flotilla will probably traverse Bass Strait and go down Tasmania’s western coast to moor in Macquarie Harbour. Couldn’t we at least deploy some mines in the harbour to deter them?”

The PM nodded his head. “That sounds like a good idea.”

“Aaagh, you stupid men,” shrieked the EM. “That is not a good idea. What about the Maugean skate?”

“What on earth is the Maugean skate?” asked the PM.

“You fools, the Maugean skate is a very endangered species that only lives in Macquarie harbour. If you interfere with its habitat it’s all over. You will be responsible for the extinction of another species. How are you going to live with that?”

The PM sighed. “Yes I know the Greens and the UN again.”

Well to cut a long story short the Xi-landers landed at Macquarie Harbour and without a shot being fired annexed Tasmania.

They renamed Tasmania as New Xi-Land which was very confusing for one of our close neighbours.

Back in the PM’s office the PM, the DM and the EM gathered to review this outcome.

“Well it could have been worse,” said the PM. “Nobody thought Tasmania was worth very much anyhow.”

The EM nodded. “At least we saved the turtles, the whales and the Orange-bellied parrots.”

The DM who was very disgruntled conceded that might be true. “But,” he ventured, “We didn’t save the skates. The Xi-landers claim they are delicious!”