Here we are in another Olympic year enjoying the spectacle of some of our most celebrated athletes (and performers as I will explain subsequently) competing for recognition on the world stage. There is no doubt that the Olympic Games is one of the more spectacular international events.

But I, for one, have significants concerns about this hyped-up spectacle.

The original Olympics were traditional contests amongst the Greeks and were conducted every four years for more than a thousand years commencing from around 776 BC. These athletic competitions were held in the sanctuary of Zeus at Olympia in the Western Peloponnesus. The sanctuary was named after Mt Olympus which in Greek Mythology was the home of the dominant Greek gods, and this led to the competition being similarly named.

Some 1500 years after the games had ceased to be performed, a Frenchman by the name of Baron Pierre de Coubertin in 1894 determined it would be appropriate to re-establish the institution of the Olympics. He had in mind an international sporting competition which he initially wanted to host in Paris. His proposal attracted a lot of support, but he was convinced by the supporters, keen to re-establish the Olympic tradition, that it would be more appropriate to hold the first modern Olympics in its country of origin viz Greece. Consequently in 1896 Athens hosted the first modern Olympic Games.

To begin with the Olympic Games provided platforms to highlight elite sporting performances. But over the years they have morphed into entertainment festivals designed to highlight to the world the wonderful attributes of the host cities. Now it seems the highlights of the games are not the performance of the athletes but the elaborate opening and closing ceremonies that try to meld pop culture with spectacular visual displays.

Cities compete for the privilege of hosting the Olympics because of the prestige and marketing opportunities it provides. Unfortunately hosting the Olympics has become prohibitively expensive. Now it seems more important to hire the most celebrated pop-stars and produce the most spectacular light shows than it is to highlight the achievements of athletes. I’ll offer a few suggestions on how these extravaganzas might be reined in to make them more affordable below.

A further complicating factor is that the range of “sports” showcased at the Olympics is regularly augmented resulting in extra expenses from having to provide additional venues. And some of the newly admitted sports are quite inconsequential from an athletic point of view.

Let me now elaborate on something I hinted about above – the distinction between “athletes” and “performers”,

I know this will be controversial but being controversial hasn’t stopped me in the past, so I will soldier on.

I believe that Olympic sports should only comprise those events that can be decided by quantitative outcomes. I mean those events that can be decided by who can run fastest, jump highest or lift the greatest weight etc. Those that compete in such events are the “athletes”. There are many other events where the outcomes are determined by qualitative measures – eg gymnastics, diving, synchronised swimming and so on. Those that compete in such events I term ”performers”. They are immensely talented but they are judged by subjective criteria. My belief is that such events should not be included in the Olympics.

Every Olympics people with a vested interest in particular performance areas seek to promote their preferred performance into the Olympic pantheon. If we don’t take a stance on this before we know it bagpipe playing, cheese making and yodelling will be part of the Olympic contest.

Here’s another controversial thought. I think that the Olympics should provide an international competition for sports that don’t get a lot of international exposure. Sports like tennis. golf and soccer have ample opportunities to show their wares on the international stage. Track and field events don’t have the same opportunities.

(Such athletes would have been greatly disappointed by the Victorian Government’s decision to abandon its attempts to host the Commonwealth Games which provides another opportunity for such athletes. Our young aspiring athletes were sacrificed to the political perfidy of Daniel Andrews.)

The opening of the Paris Olympics seemed a spectacular event but it had some tawdry moments. There was (offensive to Christians) a satire on Christ’s Last Supper. Highlighting the “wokeness” of the organisers the satire featured drag queens. It seems commonplace to parody Christian themes but no one dares to apply such treatment to Islam. They haven’t forgotten Charlie Hebdo I suppose. This is of course the wrong approach. To desensitise such exaggerated Islamic responses I have always thought Western nations should sponsor once a year a competition for cartoons of Muhammad in remembrance of the despicable Charlie Hebdo attack. Perhaps, given the tendency to promote performances that could also become an Olympic event!

Still at least the French didn’t trot out someone who purportedly had a lineage which extended for millennia with ancient Gauls who conducted a “welcome to country” ceremony!

But despite that we have still seen some laughable demonstrations of “wokeness”. To begin with the Olympic athletes have been provided with biodegradable furniture in their dormitories including cardboard beds. They have been offered a largely vegan diet which has resulted in protests (understandably) from some competitors. After the protests the officials relented and augmented the participants’ diets with more meat and eggs. (It is no wonder there have so far been few new world records achieved!)

But, wait for it, after the usual detection of illicit steroids in two of the Chinese swimmers, they have protested that it must have come from eating Australian beef!

To further enhance the “woke” credentials of the games, transgender women (biological males) have been allowed to compete in – of all things – women’s boxing! I don’t think it is particularly edifying to have a sport dedicated to battering your opponent into submission in the Olympics in the first place. (The only sport where I would condone such behaviour is Rugby League. But that’s not currently on the Olympic menu.) As well using the criteria I outlined earlier most boxing competitions are decided by a qualitative manner viz a “points decision” and should therefore be inadmissible. But if you are going to have such an event women should be protected from having to compete with biological males.

But overall I believe the Olympics should not be continually augmented but vastly pared down.

Here are my helpful tips on how to do this.

• Only genuine athletic competitions should be included. Remove all events that I have called “performances” and retain only those events where winning is determined by quantitative measures.
• Sports which already have many opportunities for international competition should be eliminated. Tennis, golf and soccer should be withdrawn. In fact I think all team sports should go.
• Opening and closing ceremonies should be pared back. There should be no popstar performances. If you want to hear your favourite pop-star sing go to a pop concert! Host countries should be allowed to highlight their particular cultural attributes but the focus should be on welcoming the athletes in the opening ceremony and celebrating their achievements in the closing ceremony.

Unfortunately I have also one suggestion that would marginally increase costs. I believe that athletes that win the marathon should get two gold medals. Surely this is a more significant achievement than running a piffling 100 metres! (Do you know that today’s marathon runners run 26 miles at a faster rate than the athlete who won the mile event in the first modern Olympics?)

But I have saved my most important suggestion until last. In the Olympic spirit we should emulate the ancient Greeks who competed in the games naked. Think of the advantages this would bring. Firstly we wouldn’t have to cough up for all that costly athletic apparel. Secondly the value of television rights would be astonishingly augmented.

Now with the initiatives I have proposed a country wouldn’t need to go bankrupt to host the Olympics. It could be financed by a few chook raffles.

And I am sure my final recommendation would also help officials sort out some of those vexed gender issues!